roda cíclica

e eu obcecado ficava olhando no meu celular para saber da temperatura pois não confiava mais nas minhas próprias sensações, não sabia se o que eu sentia era real ou ilusório e até que ponto tudo era verdade. o limite entre insanidade e consciência estava misturado, envolto numa névoa de loucura e lucidez, assim como minha percepção do tempo e espaço que se alteravam, esticando-se e contraindo feito cordas, vento e fumaça. olhava as pessoas e não conseguia mais entender o jeito que era viver como elas que sabiam o que estava realmente acontecendo naquele instante, elas viviam o momento, eu vivia uma eternidade a cada dez minutos em que meu coração quase parava e minha mente se desprendia do meu ser. algumas vezes me sentia sublime por conseguir sair de mim, mas na maioria das vezes me causava aflição por ter vivido tanto tempo assim a flutuar, tempo que na minha cabeça era equivalente a várias vidas e mortes.

do calor extremo passava para um frio horripilante que me gelava a espinha ao pensar que nunca mais conseguiria sair desse sonho nebuloso. então dessas mortes momentâneas minha consciência ressurgia agora mais renovada e plena, como que despertada de um sonho leve, mas na verdade meu maior medo era de cair profundamente num sono sombrio e acordar em outro lugar. o eterno medo do desconhecido. o eterno medo de sair do controle.

e nisso acho que foi necessária uma força de vontade muito grande, um esforço mental constante que me compelia a fechar os olhos, descansar, e ao bloquear minha visão do real, ver imagens distorcidas dos fluidos do meu corpo, o sangue que pulsava, o ar que percorria e as células que trabalhavam seu trabalho incansável. eu me jogava para dentro de mim mesmo. e esse espaço era colorido e cheio de distorções com desenhos geométricos repetitivos que nunca paravam de se mexer num fluxo constante que pode-se chamar de vida circular. a roda cíclica de momentos eternos. como o percorrer da vida de um inseto que não sabe aonde vai chegar e que talvez sempre volte para o mesmo lugar.

Nosso ser é um apanhado de pequenas almas estilhaçadas, incompletas e tortas buscando algum sentido. Se houver.

Birthday ride, lifetime ride

Tomorrow is my birthday. And to celebrate my 28 years old, today I rode 128 kilometers for almost 5 hours on my bike, alone. Actually, I had planned to ride more (150 km), but the life experience learned me that each day has a different limit, and sometimes you have to respect that.
When you are in a long ride, many situations happen, and many feelings invade you: laziness, hope, cold, hot, thirsty, hungry, satisfaction, exhaustion, confusion, happiness… Sometimes all in the same time. I like to think of that as a metaphor of our lives with its differents moments: wind, fog, sun, rain, curves, climbs, downs…
I rode to many roads, far away from everything, far away from the urban chaos. Out of the city fortress with its silly life and pollution. I can’t explain my great satisfaction of go away and breath some fresh air and enjoy the green scenario. The nature doesn’t judge you. That’s why I gave that gift to me.
Those hours alone and far away, give you much time to think. And in moments like that I always have many, MANY thoughts (even when I try to stop thinking, my mind doesn’t give me peace). But, some thoughts make me happy.
One of those reflexions, it’s the ideia of making a parallel between ride a bike and our lifetime. Because when you are riding, of course you have as objective ride some kilometers or go to somewhere. But the finish line it’s not the only thing you care. However, more important, it’s the way you go there (for example, you could go by bus or car, but prefer to go by bike, because of the experience that way will gives to you). And in our lives, sometimes, we ignore the path and all other things around us and care only about our final objectives (professional success, money, marriage, children, house, posses, recognition, books, drugs, sex, luxury, trips…). But, if we only focus on the objectives, we forget to see the beauty of each moment right here right now! Therefore, we must enjoy the paths of our lives as in a bike ride! So, slow down, live each moment and try to absorb every good energy it gives to you. Don’t wait to enjoy your life only after you reach all your goals. Because can be too late.
So… back to my today’s ride.
As I said, I was riding alone. But, even when you think you are indeed alone and don’t need anyone, things happen to make you fall from your selfish.
In the middle of the ride, I had problems with the bar of my bicycle. So, I had to stop and adjust some pieces to try to fix it. But I was with difficulties and almost giving up. Then, a simple man named Claudinei, appearing 50 years old, stopped his car and went to help me. After some minutes and tries, we found the problem and solved it together. That’s can be another metaphor of our lives. Sometimes we need help. And it’s ok. One day you receive help, another day you give help for your family, friends, or even to an unkonwn. That’s life. We are not alone, never. So we should share our experiences, feelings and paths.